live over here on Earth.
And then there's this huge flaming mass of gas called the sun in the middle.
And we Erbedians live over here on planet Erbede on the other side of the sun.
And that over there is the Blue Moon, or "Ma'ru" if you prefer.
We have another moon, too, but we don't talk about it because it's a 300+-year-old antiquated metal piece of junk some scientists launched that shouldn't exist. I wish it were smaller so we could pull it back to Erbede and trade it in for an upgraded version.
You'll probably notice that we don't have a cool satellite photo of Erbede to share across the Interplanetary Web (IP-W) like the beautiful photos you have of Earth.
That's because we aren't into space exploration like you people are. We know what's out there, and we don't want any more of it than we already have. Trust me.
So here's the awkward truth.
This website is basically a giant Public Service Announcement screaming:
Invasive species are the most dangerous force in the known universe, and we have enough humans here already, thank you.
In essence, we Erbedians, we "aliens" who inhabit a planet sharing your planet's rotation, are sharing our culture with you now, to curb your curiosity so you will leave us alone.
This is one of those, "Don't call me, I'll call you situations." You know, like when there's someone you hate, and in order to tell them you don't want to talk to them ever again, you have to talk to them? This is basically that but on an interplanetary scale.
That being said...
A council of important people decided we should go about this whole awkward confrontation in the least confrontational way possible. They decided on a two-pronged approach to the interplanetary communication issues at hand:
1. Send someone unintimidating.
Becuase you people have the weirdest ideas about aliens. To alleviate some of your fears, they sent me.
I'm a comedian, and I'm super average. And short. And weird. And now I feel incredibly self-conscious about all of this.
2. Send literature.
Nothing illustrates a point like the well-aimed words of a book. So we pooled together some of our favorite literature from Erbede which will hopefully convey my PSA in a more artistic way than I've just shared it.
Over the years, we've studied Earth a little, and it came as no surprise to us that you also have invasive species. We read about Asian carp, "White People," and a plethora of other similar disasters.
It seems you know plenty about the destructive power of invasive species - such things can cause entire economies to collapse, unnecessary wars, plagues, injustice, mass extinction, famine, etc., etc., etc. You might be wondering why I'm making such a big deal out of this.
I'm making it a big deal because
we almost lost everything,
and your untimely arrival on our planet could make everything worse. (Again.)
Erbede is what you might call an intergalactic launching point or a cultural trade center. It's become the home of every known people-group, but it wasn't always that way. There used to be just two peoples. Then three, and those three made four, and another invaded making five.
Then the travelers came through portals. The Maseruy with their wars and treaties. At first everything was fine. They were wonderful architects, scholarly, respectful.
If only it had remained that way.
I'll give you a brief history.
On New Year's Eve just 603 years ago, our people witnessed the destruction of an entire planet and fought against the decimation of our own. Billions of people and creatures perished. All of Masera's civilizations were lost, and the dimension portals connecting our planet to all of the others - to Kadaun, Masera, and even Earth - were broken.
In one night more than a third of Erbede's population, an assortment of interplanetary settlers and tourists, became refugees who would never see their home again. Many lost family, land, and everything they had ever worked for.
This event is called
The Great Conquest.
It was such a horrible catastrophe that it marked the beginning of a new era: the time "After Amesyth," which is the name we chose for our literature.
are responsible for bringing about about The Great Conquest.
They are King Ayris Fulkert of Amesyth and Emperor Daaden Lasdon of Kinhaun.
Ayris had an Omyn capable of bridging portals to other planets.
King Ayris Fulkert, the rightful ruler of Amesyth, was a kind, jovial man who enjoyed getting into bar fights, exploring the Maseraen jungles, and smoking an Omyn pipe. Rumors claim Ayris was fierce in battle, but only because he so fiercely valued his soldiers and would do anything to protect them.
Emperor Daaden Lasdon, who was once Ayris' second in command but turned against him after being infected with an ancient Parasite known as Lyphamuy thus becoming an evil warlord who invaded the country of Kinhaun on Erbede, established a nation ruled by said parasite and founded The Laboratory for Omyn Related studies (LORS) where the Omyn-Syncing Bomb was invented.
Daaden had a heart of lead and a mind controlled by an ancient parasite.
Oh, and there was King Luwus Megori, but he was more or less the collateral between the two guilty parties.
Basically, The Great Conquest was Emperor Daaden's fault because he initiated the whole catastrophe, and he was sadistic and the worst. But everyone blames King Ayris because he's the one who opened the portals that linked the known universe, making a bridge by which everything was made possible.
Philosophers speculate that if Ayris hadn't opened the floodgates, everything would be the way it was supposed to be.
You can read more about The Great Conquest, King Ayris, Emperor Daaden, King Luwus, and other invasive species in Jensine's novels and short stories.
I hope you now understand why we can't invite you in for tea on the porch.
It's not anything against you or Earth (probably.)